Jan 16, 2009

Nice Dreams

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me
Listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine
Made me happy
Nice dream
Nice dream
Nice dream

(If you think that you're strong enough)
Nice dream
(If you think you belong enough)
Nice dream
(If you think that you're strong enough)
Nice dream
(If you think you belong enough)

--Radio Head lyrics

If you ask me what is the single hardest part of being a mother to triplet boys, I’ll answer this: realizing that having so much means I have so much to lose. (At least you can't accuse me of taking my boys for granted, even if I do posses a flair for heightened emotion.) Sometimes I wonder, why do we build up complexity only to make ourselves so fragile?

The most profound fear and sadness overwhelm me time to time whenever I worry about one (or all) of my boys. Scary feelings I sometimes wish I wasn’t burdened with. When one crisis passes, Jerry always reassures me. Don’t worry . . . there will be something to worry about next week. We are doing great, he tells me. And so we are.

When I was younger I sometimes day dreamed that I lived an unattached life, no family, and lived exiled from society, like Jeremiah Johnson or in some cave. All by myself, with nobody to worry, and nothing to deal with except Nature and me.

A memory. A few years ago, before the triplets, I was driving west through the Colorado Mountains during a snow storm; no chains, no anti-lock brakes, no four-wheel drive; just my little economy car with balding tires, frosted windows, and me (and very little experience with snow). I entered a long mountain tunnel leaving behind a few falling snow flakes and was stunned several miles later when I exited the hole into blizzard white. Panic. Snow filled the off ramps. No exits, no turning back. Cars over turned, flipping and spinning in front of me. The only calm came from Radio Head. I played the song 'Nice Dreams' over and over . . . and over . . . until the snow eased and juniper trees dominated the landscape, meaning I had climbed down the greatest peaks into safety.

How to end this post, I'm not sure, except to show pictures of my three little junipers. They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine
Made me happy
Nice dream

Nice Dreams.
(Dramatic, aren't I?)








18 comments:

~me~ mama, wife, sister, friend, daughter... said...

our hearts on our sleeves, hay? What an exchange. The ultimate love for the ultimate fear. Here's hoping we can live our live with out taking these profound gifts for granted. when tragedy comes we will be able to say "I lived and loved with all of my being and that experience, in and of itself, is worth more then a thousand tragedies"

lets embrace big, big love. Fear and all!!

~me~ mama, wife, sister, friend, daughter... said...

love the lyrics, by the way....must go have a listen again.

Nancy said...

Awh, Cindy that was a beautiful post. It isn't often that I (as your reader) get a glimpse of your vulnerable side. Sweet.

Love the photo of dad on the plasma car.

Speaking of dreams - quite ironically - you were in mine last night!

FrogMom said...

Ah, Cindy, how I dig you. Did I ever tell you that radiohead's "nice dream" was our wedding song?

beautiful post!

rebekah said...

I'm the same. When I was little, I wanted to be a librarian. Just me and my books. As an adult I now know librarians have to talk to others, often.

Now, my office is above our local library. Every morning, I see one of them get out of her little orange Honda Fit (a car Iove) and imagine me doing that instead of in the midst of this financial crisis. No clients losing money to think of, no clients losing a business that holds their soul. Just me and my books.

But then my brain traces the path of my life when I turned down that archive job, also that bookstore job, and I end up seeing my husband. And then kid #1. Then kid #2. What if? What if I never had them?

This is better.

Kerry and Tom said...

what a beautiful post cindy....
thank you for sharing that
your just too much i dont know what to say after reading that your amazing


oh and by the way our boys LOVE their plasma cars. not much room to ride them in here however they are still having a blast

Tarah said...

You wrote this so well. :)
Thank you for being so open. The boys are getting big!

Dani said...

Ahhh, that's beautiful!
I fear those same scenarios. I wonder why God gave me two, if for some reason I'm going to have to give one up eventually. I think we wouldn't be mothers if we didn't worry like that.

Stacy said...

thanks for sharing ... it is the love so big it's scary isn't it??? excuse me while i go check on my girl now.

Kimmie said...

So nice to meet you, what a wonderful blessed jouney God has you on. Your triplets are gorgeous and you are a truly blessed mama to have been chosen for them.

May His hand cover you, guide you and be your provision, all ways.

Kimmie
mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted

Kerry and Tom said...

arent the plasma cars the best!!!!
wish we could go out side with ours
we are under about 4 feet of snow
well close to that anyway.

pictures are soo cute

Lauren said...

The pic of J-Glo on the plasma car is hysterical!

Jen and Dan said...

Donovan.... "Jennifer, juniper; hair of golden flax..."

That's what I though of while reading your post because I have sung that song many of times to relax me. Oh, and did I mention, I too have been caught in such blizzards and often thought of living in such caves errr... seclusion?

Yes, now, there is so very much to loose isn't there? (x's 3 in your case. Add in Jerry to the mix and goodness girlfriend -lots to loose, yes!)

Love your post.

Tinydancer said...

Ah, so good to see the boys and how big they have become! I miss your in person stories, but the occaisonal chance to read your blog keeps me caught up. The "mama road" is endless in it's hills and valleys, twists and turns, enjoy your trip!

Tinydancer said...

Ah, so good to see the boys and how big they have become! I miss your in person stories, but the occaisonal chance to read your blog keeps me caught up. The "mama road" is endless in it's hills and valleys, twists and turns, enjoy your trip!

Laura said...

I just so enjoy watching your boys grow, they are so beautiful.
By the way I am tagging you

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Heather said...

Oh my gosh, I came across your blog from Peep-Eye's blog roll. Your boys are so adorable. I kept looking at the pictures of them thinking, "Awwww, the parents are soooo lucky! Look at them!" Congratulations on your beautiful family.

We are on the waitlist with Holt for a girl or boy, 0-3 yrs. My hubby says we can be open to siblings and/or twins for our second adoption :).

courtney rose said...

Hi Cindy!
I don't know if you read my blog or not, but I wanted to ask that might take a moment to read my most recent post? You were such a part of my beginning through this journey- it would mean a lot if you would check it out!
xoxo,
Courtney